Forgiveness and letting go of grudges can be a difficult task to take on mentally and emotionally, especially if it seems like it is being done for the other person and not for oneself.
Being able to forgive is a process that can contribute to personal healing, as well as growth. Breaking up the process by setting smaller goals along the way will make it less daunting than trying to accomplish total forgiveness and will make it easier.
When forgiving, it may feel like part of what is necessary is to condone and accept what the other person did. However, condoning the action is not an essential part of forgiveness. That can lead to feeling like letting go of that grudge is impossible because if you feel like you are truly wronged by someone’s behavior, but must accept and disregard your feelings, then finding peace with what has happened can be a mental tug of war.
Instead, accept that it is okay to think that what has been done was wrong and that you do not need to feel burdened by the idea of condoning the behavior. Along with that, do not disregard personal feelings about what has happened.
In counseling as well as individually, exploring the emotions behind the event and how or why they appear can lead to a deeper understanding of how you can forgive and heal. A key step in any healing is accepting the feelings that come along with it in order to turn towards personal growth. Holding onto grudges can hurt yourself more than the person it is being held against, so understanding who is taking most of the pain can motivate steps to heal.
Forgiving and letting go of grudges is a process, and that is important to keep in mind. It will not come immediately and takes work. However, like anything where time and energy are put in, the feeling of gradual improvement will feel like an accomplishment and working on letting go of that grudge will lift a burden that has felt like a weight.
When working on forgiveness, give yourself time and compassion and know that the process is different for everyone.
Mindful Minute by Brigid Raftery, RMHCI with Counseling Associates of America, is dedicated to addressing mental health care and support for both individuals and couples. americascounselors.com
